roadtrip correspondence

I just got back from Virginia Beach and there are a few letters I'd like to send out in reference to my time on the road:

Dear Car Going 20 Miles Below The Speed Limit,

I admire the fact that you want to be different from everybody else. Individuality is important. But perhaps you don't realize that your quest to stand out from the crowd is preventing me from getting to my destination before I turn 40. Some suggestions: Perhaps you should stop completeley turning your body to talk to the person next to you. Perhaps you should get your vision checked so that you can read the speed limit (or in your case, "speed goal") signs on the side of the road. Also, buy a bike. You'd save gas and be able to reach the same speed.

Sincerely,

I Know Where You Can Find A Bike


Dear Radio Announcement For Botox,

I find it interesting that you advertise botox as "therapy" and that you suggest sticking needles with poison in them into people's arm pits. What ever happened to lying down on a couch? Oh and by the way, you know that you're advocating people injecting poison into themselves, right? Ok . . . just wanted to make sure.

Sincerely,

Needles Were Meant For Vaccinations. And Sewing.


Dear Mr. Blunt,

Apparently, I'm "beautiful." Thanks. Can't hear that enough. Oh, well unless I hear it 10 million times from you, within one day. It begins to lose its meaning after a while. You know, the whole "you can't know hot without cold," "you can't know good without bad" thing. Oh and hey - are you the lovechild of Macy Gray and Rod Stewart? This has been a topic of much debate.

Sincerely,

You Haven't Seen Me When I Wake Up In The Morning


Dear Traffic Jam on 64W,

I know that I've been complaining about money recently and that rent does take a big chunk out of my paycheck . . . but I'd prefer not to live in my car. Forever. Thanks.

Sincerely,

What The Hell Would My Address Be?


Dear Veggie Veggie Wrap From Tropical Smoothie,

If I can talk on the cell phone and drive, then I can eat you and drive as well. I'd appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Should you decide to miss my mouth, please take care that you fall on the wrapper in my lap.

Sincerely,

Finally, Lunch.


Dear Right Lane,

Why the heck are you moving and I'm not? Who are you paying? *searches through purse for money*

Sincerely,

I Always Get Stuck On The Losing Team - Aka, The Lane That Doesn't Move


Dear Red Explorer In Front Of Me,

I don't get your license plate. "CIATYRA" ? Are you called Ciaty and you happen to be an RA? Do you work for the CIA and your codename is "Tyra"? If so, I don't think it's wise to advertise.
By the way, it is possible to drive while talking on the cell phone. I think you and the 20 Below Car should take lessons together. But not in my city, please.

Sincerely,

At Lease Your License Plate Doesn't Say "SUGRPIE"