"chronic" is never a good word

Ok. I give up. This entry has been erased twice by this stupid home computer of my parents. I can't write it again or I will go insane. Suffice it to say that I went to an opthamologist at home this morning and found out that my eye problems are due to a combination of roseacea (in/around the eyes) and blepharitis. The roseacea is treatable, the blepharitis I will have for the rest of my life. Three cheers for life-long eye diseases. I can wear my contacts but no eye make-up for at least a month, longer if I have problems. I am on new eye medication number 10 million for an indefinite period of time, amongst various other treatments. I like this new opthamologist, despite his not-so-good news. He was friendly, as was his medical aide who told me all about how she was pregnant and how she had once had cat stratch disease. Tomorow I go to the optometrist to have my vision checked (pray that it's not any worse) and hopefully get new, thinner, sexier glasses. I hear technology has improved since the last time I got glasses, many years ago. But anyway, help me to keep things in prospective. I am really quite lucky if all I have to worry about health-wise is eye problems.

Beltway

I'd like to make a list about yesterday and today.
1. I hate driving in the DC metro area. I hate the Beltway. I hate I-95 N. I hate rush hour. But on the good side, if it is one, I am learning to become a more aggressive driver.
2. I drove 2 hours yesterday to a job interview where in fact, he had already decided that I wasn't being considered for the position (which he didn't bother to tell me) but for an unpaid internship. And I drove all the way there for that. Was extremely mad.
3. Eyes still rockin the swollenness, even on meds. Am going to get a second opinion on Monday from a doctor down in Va.Beach. Have high hopes for him.
4. Jay won Project Runway (on tv) last night. Yay! That makes me incredibly happy. I love Jay. I want to be his best friend. He's so funny and you all know I like guys who can make me laugh. :)
5. Today it's snowing and school is closed. Not that I had any classes today, but I'm not going to my internship (yet again, last Thursday it was swollen eyelids that kept me away). However, today I have to be productive like whoa. I must be an e-mail writer, room-cleaner, psych test studier, poet, paper cutter outer, earring maker, and packer.

@*#$%* #@$%!!!!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY THE HELL MY RIGHT EYE IS SWELLING (HOWEVER MINUTELY) WHEN I AM ON 3 MASSIVELY POWERED MEDICATIONS???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!

and so i jumped

So, today I jumped off of a second-story balcony. Would you like to know why? Well, I was on my way to Seaco for brunch and I had just walked out the front door of Marshall when low and behold this Asian high-school aged guy comes up to me and asks me if the campus is open today. I was like "Do you mean the academic buildings?" and he was like, "Yeah, I'm supposed to have an audition today in Pollard I think, but all the doors are locked." He wasn't sure because his mom had answered the phone when the school had called and she barely speaks English so she didn't know whether they said Sunday or Monday. Anyway, I initially advised him to go to the campus police station and ask if he could get into the building and then I thought, no . . . I can probably get him in through the front of Dupont. It's not like the fine arts building is really easy to get around anyway, he probably just missed a door or something.

So being the nice person that I am, I told him that I'd walk with him over to Pollard and see if I could get him in (although I think we both began to have the sneaking suspicion that his audition was really for tomorrow). Well, the front of Dupont was unlocked so I was like score, I can get him in through the second-floor balcony door that is connect to Dupont, into Pollard. (Keep in mind that back in the times when I had known Pollard, as in last year, they never kept these doors locked). So we went onto the balcony and tried the door into Pollard. Locked. I was like crap, oh well. We walk back to the door leading into Dupont. It had locked behind us. We were trapped on the second floor balcony with no way to get off.

I wasn't about to be stuck up there all day/night, so I suggested that we jump off the balcony. The kid agreed. We decided not to jump off of the side with the white railing but the side inbetween the two buildings, facing the inner courtyard because there was a little ledge mid-way down that we could put our feet. Not a big ledge mind you, but a ledge nonetheless. So the Asian guy jumps off the balcony, lands on his feet but almost runs into an adjoining wall from the momentum. So I throw my coat off the side of the building so it won't hinder me and begin to place my feet on what little space I can find on the ledge. I am, of course, scared as hell because the jump is still pretty high and I just knew that I was going to break some bones (aaand I have a huge fear of falling). The Asian guy tries to give me encouragement interrupted with statements like "yeah it is scary" and finally I jumped. I pseudo-landed on my feet. My feet and my butt. But I didn't break anything. AND I JUMPED OFF A SECOND-STORY BALCONY. What the heck? Never saw that coming when I woke up this morning.

It's my brother! Isn't he a hottie ladies? *wink* 

ah, yes

There is a danger in this world for me. A danger that I constantly realize invades my life, yet I allow it to take control when I most need support. It's the danger of letting myself get caught up in the world, in the stress, in the excuses that can come so easily. I finally managed to get back to church today after a month of weekends when I was unable to attend. Man, I was starving. Soul-starving. And I felt it as soon as I entered the church and opened my mouth to sing to the Lord who had helped me get through that very same month. True, there were some very good reasons why I had been unable to come to worship, but I know just as well that there were many times when I didn' t try hard enough. I just can't explain what it's like to feel that void in your life filled with a love that is unconditional and eternal. Just to know that it's there no matter how much you screw up and no matter how much you fall, it's just incredible. In the last month I didn't forget it was there, and I read the Bible every night, but being able to walk into church again and be surrounded by such a strong support group of people was great. I'm going to have to miss church up here for the next two weekends because of spring break, but hopefully I'll be able to catch a service at home. I pray when I do have to miss that I can keep my relationship with the Lord going strong - it's so easy to get distracted.

Anyway, now that I've said that, today was a pretty decent day. Gave a tour (eh), had lunch with Bryan (nice), went to church (this you already know) and spent the in-between time working on my short story (interesting). I have also drunk a lot of hot russian spice tea. I also plan to do 300 crunches at some point tonight. Really. I used to do that many on a regular basis and I have strayed from the ab-hardening routine. Must return to it.

wish list

I've made a list of things that I want and even though I can't afford them right now, I will record them in this journal so when I do have the money, I will remember:

1. the movie Jesus (2000 ed.) on dvd
2. cd - Lucia Micarelli "Music from a Farther Room"
3. cd set (i think) "The Magic Flute" by Mozart

an $80 day

Today was 2 doctor's appointments, 3 new medications, and 1 new job interview. We'll see how this goes.

bah.

I 've gone through this whole day in a foul, anti-social, depressed mood. Not that anything has gone monsterously wrong in my life, but when I woke up things sucked and that colored my outlook on life for the whole rest of the day. I woke up this morning with a very sore throat, stuffy nose, and swollen eyelids . . . AGAIN. I thought I had cured my eyes and had been ecstatically happy about it for the past week but this morning I was thrown straight into depression again at the sight of my eyelids. I'm praying this is just a one night thing . . . I don't want to have to go back to the doctor. Again. So anyway, that put me in a thoroughly pissy, depressed, and self-sensitive mood. Went to classes. I couldn't stand to be in them. Went to lunch. Once again people made comments on what I chose to eat for lunch. I'm so freakin sick of people commenting on what I choose to eat. Leave me alone about it. For the love of God. Please. So those comments made me feel even more anti-social and I didn't particularily feel like talking to anyone for the rest of lunch. Went to art, even more pissed off and sat there painting 4 -inch squares for two hours. Went to short story conference with professor. Did a Mortar Board interview. Enjoyed dinner all by myself. Now I have to revise writing assignments and be creative, which I could feel less like doing. My eyelids are starting to feel weird again. If I wake up tomorrow morning and they are swollen I think I will cry. But then I can't, because crying makes them swell even more. Bah. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. I probably am. But today has just sucked.

Lucia Micarelli 

incredible performer

Second post tonight I know, but I just wanted to share how much I love Lucia Micarelli and how much I want her cd. She's the solo violinist and concert master for Josh Groban's tour. She's 20 and I saw her live when I saw Josh and she plays with such passion. Absolutely phenomenal. I've always been in love with the violin but I've never experienced such performing and talent on the violin before. Check out her website.
http://www.luciamicarelli.com/

wow . . .

GRAND NEWS for today! I got selected for Phi Beta Kappa! Woooo!
*Does dance of all dances*

I'm all eternal sunshine. I'm also all external procrastination. I don't feel like doing any work. Not that I don't have a million things to do - revise work for creative writing and write an intro about my "writing process" for my fiction portfolio, concept for my ghostwriting project, brainstorm new names for a deodorant powder for men (for internship) and read a book. Maybe I'll just end up reading my book, because it isn't something that I need to do for any class. I did however, balance my checkbook tonight. It had been a while, which wasn't smart because it's even more traumatic when I see all of that money gone at once. I used to be so good about it (balancing checkbook in increments) but now I'm not. I'm disappointed in myself. Oh well, I'll get over it. When I graduate though, I'm going to be very good with my finances - not that I'm ignorant about finances, I consider myself an informed citizen - but my dad is going to buy me one of those computer finance program things. Anyway, this is a boring topic. Let's move on.

I am so scheduled. I feel like I need a secretary. Right now, my secretary is my little black book (ooo all professional and leather-bound). It's my life. I used to be so anti-planner but now I'm not. It's just more of the organizational disease passed down to me by my mother, one step-behind my sticky note obsession. (There are probably 10 floating around my desk space as I write).

Not that you care, but tonight's Gilmore Girls was fabulous. I've had to miss the last few (I KNOW, a travesty unknown to mankind) but I finally got to watch it tonight. Very sad point: Lorelai and Luke, who had finally got together have broken up. As a writer and native watcher of this show, I can 99% gaurantee myself that this break-up won't last . . . but that extra 1% better not prove me wrong. It had better not. I will have vengeance because they are supposed to get married. Very happy point: A new romantic relationship is starting between Rory and Hot Blond Fellow Yale Classmate And Mysterious Secret Society Member Logan. This makes me happy, because I like him. Thank you writers of Gilmore Girls. Thank you. You will probably wreck their relationship soon - because we all need conflict - but for now, I am happy with what you are producing. :)

mark darcy

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am completely and utterly without a Mark Darcy. Forget the fact that I am single, career-oriented woman with no time to commit to a Mary Darcy, but I lack a Mark Darcy nonetheless. And that is a tragic, tragic, event. Forget also your opinions about the commercialism/lack of commercialism elements of Valentine's Day . . . or whether it should always be celebrated with roses and a box of chocolates. While I acknowledge the remarkable marketing and money-making capabilities of Valentine's Day for companies like Hallmark and Hershey's, I will always wish to spend it with someone that I care for and I will always wish for some token of appreciation from someone . . . I'm just a romantic and that will never change. Although tomorrow I know that although 1. Neither Josh Groban nor Mark Darcy will propose to me and 2. I will not run into a dark, mysterious, handsome Italian man with a love of books and art and a burning desire to be with me forever and build me a home in Italy, it would be very nice to receive a single rose from somebody . . . and they can be anonymous - that's mysterious and romantic. But alas, I most likely won't, which is probably best because career-driven women who aspire to one day have published a book and have a fabulously decorated apartment probably don't have time for such things. (my mailbox number is UMW #1799, 1701 College Ave, Fredericksburg, VA 22401).

Anyway, I had a bloody fabulous time with Kevin and Lauren this weekend up in Fairfax. Who needs a gorgeous Italian man with I have such wonderful friends who care about me? Well, ok . . . who needs a man when I have such wonderful friends who care about me? Friday night was nice and relaxing - lemon chicken (made by Kevin), movies (The Notebook and Napolean Dynomite) and wine. Saturday day was Crispix cereal, shopping with Lauren (and me fully embodying the internal struggle of willpower vs. impulse buying - I desperately wanted to buy art and fake flowers for the apartment that I do not yet possess), chinese food lunch, King Arthur movie - and Saturday night Dave and Buster's, with lots of fun people. I won an orange gorilla. Or orangotaung. I can't spell that. And this morning Kevin made us pancakes and some type of turkey sausage. Brilliant chef of the highest category of brilliance that Kevin is.

Good night all.

the glory and the triumph

I'd like to announce that today I parallel parked for the first time. And I was successful.

I know. Take a second to just think about that. Blows your mind, huh?

a gray scale kate winslet

As I write this I am listening to Josh Groban do a cover of "America" by Paul Simon. It's my new favorite song and a departure from some of his classical stuff. I love love love the classical stuff, but he could sing anything - and he does such a powerful rendition of "America." I'm repeating myself . . . you all know how I feel about this man. Expect a wedding announcement at some point - once I get him to realize that I'm amazing . . . and that I exist. :)

Man, I'm definitely working the multiple nights of sleep deprivation angle once again. And without my diet pepsi to get me through (Kevin is going well as my mentor . . . although I find it a hard habit to drop) it's been interesting. Also, my lack of sleep is making me not particularily want to expound on any aspect of my life at this moment - sorry, it's not because I don't love you. Suffice it to say, I spent a very wonderful evening in Richmond last night concepting for a ghost novel that I'm going to be writing with a few amazing people and today I finally finished my art painting - AND - get this - my art professor said that he thought it was really good. I know. Stop and take a second to make sure the earth is still turning on it's axis. I know I did. :) It's a pixeled, enlarged painting of a black & white portrait of kate winslet - all in gray scale. Oooo. I like it a lot and I think I will get it framed when I graduate and put it up wherever I end up living.

I am starting a book called Crum, about a small town named Crum in West Virginia. It looks to be very promising.

yes, tomorrow morning i will need tea

I'm stupid because I'm still up at 12:30 when I know that I'm going to have trouble getting up tomorrow morning. I have to be down at the internship 30 min. earlier than normal - and that 30 min. is just earlier enough to suck. I think I will definitely need to hit up the potent "lipton brisk." whoa there.

What I did Today (selected shorts):

1) I got to laugh at Jon while some guys squirted air into his eyeballs during psych class.
2) I forgot my art stuff at the perfect moment - right at the top of the hill - and had to run all the way down and back (awkward because there was a witness) in order to meet Jon for breakfast on time.
3) Did respectably on psych test, but must do better next time.
4) Entered a t-shirt design into the Marshall Hall t-shirt design contest. Competition is stiff - so far there is one other entry . . .
5) Confessed my conversion to apple computers and my desire to own and apple i-book to Bryan. Shout out to him btw - I didn't watch the Superbowl, either.
6) Ate a caesar salad upon which I put probably one too many croutons.
7) Sat around for hours while MB members read through applications. Horrendously misprounced someone's last name - to the humor of those around.
8) Decided that I need to go to sleep. Now.

Good night all. Tomorrow is jam-packed with internship and ghostwriting fun. Egads.

Josh Groban 

heaven.

The Josh Groban concert was pure. unadulterated. bliss.

I literally almost cried when he first appeared on stage. My eyes watered.
I did cry when he sang.

He. Is. Amazing.
Words can not describe the experience.

Sarrina can attest to that. (she went as well).

Wasabi peas and red sofas

Yesterday I actually got to sit in on a casting session for a Super 8 Motels commercial (Super 8 is a client for Watson, where I am an intern). I went with some people from work to a very posh downtown Richmond studio, complete with red sofas, modern art, some of those older people who dress artsy and young, high tech computers and screens, and a fun asian director with long hair. It wasn't a live casting session, we were looking at video tapes that acting agencies had sent in of people reading the script - and they had been looking at tapes all day. When I got there, around 3:30, they were still going strong. If you ever have overly-judgemental urgings I suggest watching casting tapes. You satisfy your craving real quickly. We watched a gazillion tapes and got to laugh at a lot of the people, there were comments such as "whoa . . . ok next, hurry, fastforward," "look at his forehead," "her hair . . . i mean, look at it . . ." A very few head shots were pulled and there was a general be-moaning of the lack of talent (and to that I will attest - from the ones that I got to see, there was definitely a lack of talent).

They had all of these finger foods on the table and one of them were these things called wasabi peas. Incredibly addicting. They are what there name says they are - wasabi, in the form of peas - except hard and a bit salty. But boy, if you eat more than a few at a time you definitely get those sinuses nice and cleared. Whew. But man, I felt so chic and sophisticated for a few hours in my life - eating my uber-posh snack food and watching casting tapes. All I have to say is, I will never want to be on those casting tapes and hear what people say about me because the world is brutal.

Today was crazy. 4 hours of sleep. Psych test. A painfully blatant and discussed early exit from my creative writing class, so that I could get to my job interview on time (with extra time allowed for me in case I got lost). Didn't get lost (oh glorious glorious achievement). Learned that apparantely it is the thing now -a -days in office buildings to keep all of the bathrooms locked. Learned that the job I was interviewing for really wasn't a job that I wanted. Realized that experience in interviewing is good nonetheless. Realized that job hunting sucks and that everyone should come to me. Cursed Beltway/D.C. drivers. Witnessed 20 near accidents and crawled at 10 mph on 95. Cancelled another job interview set up for next week, realizing that it was more of the same type of thing I interviewed for today. Ate a lot of food at dinner (and pumped 4-hours- of- sleep- self with extremely potent caffeinated tea. Went to the student film festival, which was fabulous and hosted by an equally fabulous Jon, one of my dearest friends. Packed. Watched Gilmore Girls.

Tomorrow morning I'm going home because tomorrow night is the Josh Groban concert in Norfolk. Must see my future husband. I have been challenged to obtain a piece of his underwear. More to come on that front. Stay tuned.

P.S. I am allergic to something in my eye makeup and it's making my eyelids swell. Pretty, huh?

you can have my stereo . . . aaaand my watch

If I survive the next 6 days, it will be a miracle. Let me just take a moment to show you (in a wonderful list format) everything that must be accomplished in them and everywhere that I will have to be. Bear with me please.

Thursday:
- Internship 10-4
- 7:30pm- 9:30pm- create the master tour guide schedule with Ally
- take short story to Kinko's to get printed
- go to ATM (in central park)
- study for massive psych test
- read up on company I'm being interviewed by, print off resume

Friday:
- massive psych test
- short story due (class until 12pm)
- 2 pm job interview in Falls Church (i am afraid i'll get horribly lost, too)
- check tire pressure (central park)
- 6pm The Spectacle, with fabulous Jon emcee-ing

Saturday:
- go home (3 hour drive) early in morning
- out to eat with the family
- Josh Groban concert in Norfolk

Sunday:
- come back to campus (3 hour drive) early in morning
- MB interview selecting 1-5 pm
- super bowl & all the homework I haven't done - and research company #2 that's going to interview me and print off resume.

Monday:
- class 10-3 pm
- 5 pm job interview in Falls Church
- 7pm-8:45/10 pm, MB interview selecting

Tuesday:
- Internship 10-4
- dinner and extensive meeting at the Horse & Kitty Plantation 45 min. outside of Richmond with my ghostwriter correspondents.

At some point, I have to eat, sleep, and do my homework.
Oh. my. goodness.
Pray for me.