the universal laws of shopping

I swear, there has to be some Murphy's Law-type Universal Code that states that when you purchase an expensive item that you don't really need but just want, then something pivotal that you already own will break or die as punishment for your unnecessary purchase.


Case in point: When shopping with The Cyclist last night I gave in to the demands of a very sexy pair of brown heels that insisted that I buy them, take them home, and use them to conquer the world and the hearts of men. Naturally, I could not just leave them on the shelf to waste their potential, so I bought them. Yes, they were a bit expensive. In fact, they were on the extreme edge of prices that I would pay for a pair of shoes. I was rather empowered by the purchase and proud of myself for resisting the pair of shoes with titanium heels that could pierce any surface other than steel and that intimidate the majority of men. Those shoes were the perfect "Don't mess with me, I am single and I don't need a man" shoes. I almost tried them on, because I think every woman should own a pair of shoes like that, but I was good.


Anyway, so I go to sleep overall content with my purchase and quite able to tuck any guilt at spending that kind of money way into the back of my mind. Then I woke up this morning and discovered that my cell phone had died. And I mean DIED. Not as in "ooooo I'm going to fake dying because I just need to be recharged" but "oooo I'm going to punish Kelly for buying expensive shoes by dying in such a way that I cannot be revived no matter how much pleading, cursing and threats to throw me across the room are yelled in my general direction." Bastard cell phone. I thought we were friends! We have a long history, you and I. And you chose to freeze yourself on the screen that says that I have 3 messages and now I can't even listen to them. That's just cruel. Also, now there is no way for me to retrieve the phone numbers from my contact list.


*Simmer*


So, alas, I am being punished by the universe for my shoe purchase - as it looks like I'm going to have to buy a new cell phone. Grrrrrr.

soccer boys and their legs

Male readers of this blog, you may want to stop reading here. I am going to discuss (philosophically of course) the amazing tendency for 99.9% of soccer boys to be attractive and have the best-looking pair of legs on men, out of all the men hitherto viewed by women.


Via email today, The Shamana and I had a very important discussion about our careers, love, the theraphy in throwing rocks at men, which, invariably, led to the observation that Holy Smokes Don't All Soccer Boys Have The Hottest Legs. As The Shamana said, normally, it is the woman who is held accountable for the condition of her legs (as well as *ahem* other physical features) but we felt no shame commenting on these guys. Honestly, women, have you seen a male soccer player who doesn't have amazing legs? It just baffles the brain. Sure, there is an exception to every rule and I'm sure that I'll get testimonials from people recounting the one moment in their life where they happened to notice that a male soccer player did not have attractive legs, but really, come on . . . it's highly unlikely.


Furthermore, all of the male soccer players that I have met/seen in the 22 years of my life have been very attractive. Ugly male soccer players? I have met none. Yes, yes, I know that there are probably a handful that exist . . . But I'll sit on the sidelines of a college/professional men's soccer game any day.

Speaking of college male soccer teams, one of the fondest days of my existence took place at lunchtime, when I was eating lunch with my mother at a deli in Virginia Beach (one of my favorite places) called Schlotsky's. I think I was either in my late high school years or early college . . . can't remember. Anyway, there I was, eating a roast beef & cheese on sourdough, minus the pickles (because pickles are gross) when Lo and Behold the entire men's soccer team from Wake Forest walked in to get lunch. I tell you ladies, it was like an entire bevy of male models decided they wanted a sandwich. I think my mom notified me that my jaw had indeed hit the table. I asked her how many of them I could bring home.

Now we get to the philosophical part of this entry: What makes male soccer players so hot?

the store of no clothes

I'd like to know how, out of an entire cart full of clothes, none looked halfway decent on me.

Target, I was willing to spend money on you that I didn't have today and you let me down. Actually, you let YOURSELF down.

Hope you like the feeling of missing out on my money.

You could solve this problem, by just designing clothes for me and me alone. No more of this pleasing the masses thing.

Think on it.

I'll be here.

eternity and counting

*grabs mail opener, carves a line into wall for each minute that feels like eternity* I I I I I I I I


I have decided to run away with my friend APea to the Land Of The Magical Healing Leprechauns. This is the 50th time that I have reached this conclusion within the last month.


Must make a pro & con list about today, I MUST!!


Pros:

- Have discovered that my friend The Cyclist has a bevy of women throwing themselves at him. I can make fun of him. And ask him if every single one of these women are blond. And ask him which day of the week he has assigned to each one. And when the world can expect a wedding and little cyclists running around.
- Coffee. It exists. This pleases me.
- Coffee. It makes my apartment smell good. And it has caffeine in it.
- Campbell Brown hosted the Today Show this morning instead of Katie Couric. Campbell has been hosting for the past 4 or 5 days straight. I hope that this is evidence of a takeover.
- I talked to The Shamana and she created a blog. She lives in a cupboard.
- The Shamana is sending me Real Mail.
- The Zim visited me in my dungeon today. Human contact is a wonderful thing.
- I turned up the radio in my car this morning so that I could pretend that I couldn't hear the funny noise that my car sometimes makes. Sometimes it's nice to live in ignorance.
- I like my hair cut.

Cons:

- I am writing this during my lunch break. Minus the "break" part.
- Rue woke me up this morning. Which means I forgot to lock my door last night. Oh well.
- Ankle chain is chaffing.
- This dungeon smells and my candle is almost gone.
- My teeth will most certainly rot by the end of the day, as I keep on eating the gumballs, or as I like to think of them, "Sugar Bombs" that are under my desk in a box.
- With rotten teeth, I will most certainly be single forever. Unless I never talk. Or smile. Or eat. Or move to Britain. <---- ooo that was mean. I'm sorry if you are British and are angry that I went with a stereotype there. I'm sure your teeth are beautiful and that your voice sounds pretty.

roadtrip correspondence

I just got back from Virginia Beach and there are a few letters I'd like to send out in reference to my time on the road:

Dear Car Going 20 Miles Below The Speed Limit,

I admire the fact that you want to be different from everybody else. Individuality is important. But perhaps you don't realize that your quest to stand out from the crowd is preventing me from getting to my destination before I turn 40. Some suggestions: Perhaps you should stop completeley turning your body to talk to the person next to you. Perhaps you should get your vision checked so that you can read the speed limit (or in your case, "speed goal") signs on the side of the road. Also, buy a bike. You'd save gas and be able to reach the same speed.

Sincerely,

I Know Where You Can Find A Bike


Dear Radio Announcement For Botox,

I find it interesting that you advertise botox as "therapy" and that you suggest sticking needles with poison in them into people's arm pits. What ever happened to lying down on a couch? Oh and by the way, you know that you're advocating people injecting poison into themselves, right? Ok . . . just wanted to make sure.

Sincerely,

Needles Were Meant For Vaccinations. And Sewing.


Dear Mr. Blunt,

Apparently, I'm "beautiful." Thanks. Can't hear that enough. Oh, well unless I hear it 10 million times from you, within one day. It begins to lose its meaning after a while. You know, the whole "you can't know hot without cold," "you can't know good without bad" thing. Oh and hey - are you the lovechild of Macy Gray and Rod Stewart? This has been a topic of much debate.

Sincerely,

You Haven't Seen Me When I Wake Up In The Morning


Dear Traffic Jam on 64W,

I know that I've been complaining about money recently and that rent does take a big chunk out of my paycheck . . . but I'd prefer not to live in my car. Forever. Thanks.

Sincerely,

What The Hell Would My Address Be?


Dear Veggie Veggie Wrap From Tropical Smoothie,

If I can talk on the cell phone and drive, then I can eat you and drive as well. I'd appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Should you decide to miss my mouth, please take care that you fall on the wrapper in my lap.

Sincerely,

Finally, Lunch.


Dear Right Lane,

Why the heck are you moving and I'm not? Who are you paying? *searches through purse for money*

Sincerely,

I Always Get Stuck On The Losing Team - Aka, The Lane That Doesn't Move


Dear Red Explorer In Front Of Me,

I don't get your license plate. "CIATYRA" ? Are you called Ciaty and you happen to be an RA? Do you work for the CIA and your codename is "Tyra"? If so, I don't think it's wise to advertise.
By the way, it is possible to drive while talking on the cell phone. I think you and the 20 Below Car should take lessons together. But not in my city, please.

Sincerely,

At Lease Your License Plate Doesn't Say "SUGRPIE"

in memory of T

I had hoped to post an entry of relative cheerfulness, but I find it necessary to pay tribute to a friend of mine from Mary Wash who got to a point where she had no hope and took her life. I went to her memorial service this afternoon and dear God is was so heartbreaking. I held myself together pretty well until I saw her family. We took communion and on the way back, the immediate family stood in their pew and we gave them hugs. Her father and mother were sobbing and that was the worst part. I think I cried more after seeing her family so broken. Her poor father just looked lost. I pray that her family and friends find peace. I just can't even imagine the pain.

T, if you're reading this, I truly enjoyed our time together and I apologize if I didn't tell you enough. You were loved by so many people and I know that you are not suffering anymore. Life wasn't meant to be so lonely . . . you deserved to know that.

Here are the wonderful things that I remember about our time together:

- Halloween parties in my room, glowing pumpkins on the walls, scary movie marathons with Johnny Depp, and well, just admiration ofJohnny Depp in general.
- Supporting my roomie as she gave her ghostwalk tour and picking out where the people were going to jump out of the bushes
- Regular dinners at Seaco, overall scoffing of the food selection, the bistro? pizza? "Wha, they moved the booths again??"
- Legolas. Posters.
- Looking at all of the amazing photographs that you took on your travels.

There are more.

You will be missed.

Rest in peace, my dear.